There are quite a number of things we love about Nigeria. And this is just based on what we see each day in Nigeria.
OK. My answer isn’t gonna impress a lot of people. Especially because of number 1.
1. We all hate what’s happening in the country in terms of governance and corruption, also we hate it more when people talk about the bad things or embarrassing things publicly to strangers. Especially, to non-Nigerians on social media. Funny right? I know.
2. As hard as it currently is living in the country, we seem to have found the means and developed the lifestyle and attitude to be happy and to always have a good time. We have fun and drink a cold beer while discussing our government’s stupid excuses for corruption. It’s a heartbreaking subject you know. Examples:
- last year we were told that rodents had destroyed sensitive and important documents at the presidents highly protected and state of the art office.
- We heard a senior official of a government parastatal, people somehow in charge of regulating the admission of illiterates and unintelligent persons into our university system ergo, our national workforce, explain to the entire country that a huge amount of funds, millions had been consumed by snakes in her office. And she tried to sound especially convincing.
- I don’t want to talk about our senator blaming monkeys for our lost funds.
4. The people of Nigeria never suffer from depression (JK). Like ever! I think some sort of research should be done here by the Prozac addicted Western worlds. We take pictures on top of bridges, with champagne, glasses, table and our Benz at 3 am to chill, just because we can.
Image sourced from Google
5. That we own the highest number of private jets in the world yet our country doesn’t own a single national airline. Bitching! We hate ride sharing on aeroplanes.
6. That our governments spend more money on less than 100,000 government official than on more than 200,000,000 ordinary citizens. We love our public office holders, we are dying for them.
7. We have the biggest churches in the world. Our pastors are the richest. They build schools using donations, tithes and offerings from congregations and then make the tuition too expensive for them to afford. The schools are only afforded by the uber-rich politicians and their families. And we ever can’t stop loving our pastors, no matter what. Ride on pastor!
Image of one of the Nigerian megachurches from Google.
8. We celebrate when we are blessed with just a few hours of electricity on a good day by shouting Up NEPA! While Londoners protest a thirty minutes cut in electricity publicly and their parliament set up inquiries. Those spoilt and over pampered Oyibos.
9. Our entire country and economy are run entirely on freaking generators, yes those noisy annoying machines, and imported fuels, yet we manage to maintain our economy as the biggest in Africa and among the fastest growing in the world. I think the horses on our coat of arms are on steroids.
10. We rank very low on the global ease of doing business report, it’s virtually impossible to get a bank loan as a new business, our government punish existing business for defiance through multiple taxation delays in the movement of goods and services. When these businesses refuse to die naturally from the high cost of providing their own electricity, water, road, security, and still manage to make a profit. We don’t die so easily, we’re that annoying! Our government has gotten lazy of collecting taxes by their agents, now they beg us to declare our taxes by ourselves, how can you reap where you’ve not sown?. There’s a campaign currently going on for that on freaking national TV!
Image of a smiling yet struggling Nigerian small business owner sourced from Google.
11. We have one the highest hydrocarbon deposits in the world, we have been exporting petroleum and natural gas for decades. We remain a net petroleum importing country and will remain so for the foreseeable future. I guess it cos we love the logistics and successful venture of moving oil around the world and back, that creates jobs, you know?
12. We have one of the most polluted waterways and beaches in the world as a result of irresponsible petroleum exploitation and corruption. Somehow, our people manage to post more clean beach picture on Facebook and Instagram than any other country in the world. I guess we are naturally good at photoshops.
13. Our government shoot protesters on sight and offer armed protection and land to people terrorising citizens by killing and maiming entire villages. Just because we care so much about our steady, uninterrupted supply of beef. Don’t mess with our suya!
Image sourced from Google
Image of a Nigerian waterway located in the Niger Delta region of the country sources from Google.
14. It’s not that bad to doubt if there’s a God sometimes like when there’s a tragedy or mishap in this super religious and conservative country. It’s just a healthy conversation, you know for sound troubled minds. But don’t you ever doubt or discuss your duty to pay your tithe. Bad things can happen to you for not paying. I mean brimstones, lighting, thunder, locust and cankerworm bad things! I forgot the grim reaper! Ya, it that bad.
15. One of the good things is also that the police always is and remain your friend. When in doubt just look behind the counter at police stations, you’ll see the remainder of an old tattered poster to convince you. Don’t forget to drop 20 Naira (I hear it’s now 100 Naira) at checkpoints. It’s very important to the sanity and well being of our agile officers at roadblocks. If you drive an Okada, marwa or bus. Else your entire happiness and goodwill for the day will change in a heartbeat. They take their jobs that serious you know.
16. Our graduates are creative, hardworking and industrious. We prefer the inside of keke marwa than the comfortable seats of an air-conditioned office. We even decorate them with expensive sound systems and fancy LED lighting. We overtake trailers and drive at top speeds at high way. Because we are that adventurous. Life is good, you know.
17. Our celebrities are the richest in that the world. You can see that from their expensive fake Guccis and borrowed blings. They represent Aba for real! Sorry, I meant Naija for real.
18. Our university girls are broke. They do runs just to eat and survive. Educations is not cheap you know. Just take a look at the screenshot of their zero zero bank account on their new iPhone X Plus. It’s all about the plus man!
19. Our girls spend so much money on hair and make-up to look good. I really admire their efforts at keeping the economy going. Just count the number of saloons and boutiques in my street to respect this hardworking patriot. Instagram and Snapchat have blessed this country I swear. Somebody has to look good for selfie na.
20. Our babes, they celebrate multiple birthdays and host extravagant and outrageously expensive parties, depending on the number of maga in their lives and the month you ask them out. The hospitality business in the country thrives because of their subscription to String theory.
21. A man stopped at the Third mainland bridge to have a view of the city, one of our ever alert and slightly inebriated police officers mistook him for a jumper. He threatened to shoot him if he ever attempts to commit suicide by jumping and drowning. Our police use the threat of violence to discourage suicidal persons. They’re that thoughtful and witty.
My hand dey pain me, make I go chop return, I get plenty things wey I like die about this we Naija.
On a serious note, one thing me as a Nigerian really love about this country Nigeria is the people.
We are able to find humour and have fun amidst our daily struggle for survival. We’re resilient, we’re tough, we’re survivors. Every one of us.
For the sake of all those over sabi English people with big grammar. I have decided to add a disclaimer.
This entire post is sardonic yet trenchant and should be treated as such.
B.Sc Geology, Nnamdi Azikiwe University, Awka Nigeria (2014)